When I was little I dreamed I would be – everything, anything that I wanted to be
A ballerina, a doctor, a lawyer, an astronaut – the list was endless for me
Went through school and couldn’t wait for a day spent on the phone with my best friend or game night
The worst part of my life was when my parents got mad at me and then we just argue and fight
Now I’m getting older and the veil of my youth is lifted to reveal all the things that eluded me before
No more rhyming, no more play time – just working is what is in store for me
Put a roof over my head, and food in my stomach to satisfy that hunger that never leaves
I need to be successful not chase a dollar bill – so I work harder, smarter, whatever I can do to get ahead
I meet the love of my life – we laugh and struggle and cry and celebrate together
I’m an adult now that’s what I do; I make ends meet and try to do a few good deeds
Spend time with some friends, visit family, read books and listen to music and dream of my youth
Then one day I get the news
I have what – cancer? Cancer? CANCER. CANCER. CANCER. CANCER.
It’s everywhere, all around me. Lance Armstrong had it – Christina Applegate had it – they look good and healthy
My best friend’s aunt’s cousin had it and she survived
Stop feeding me lies to make me feel better
I don’t feel better
I feel hollow
I feel empty
I feel angry
They question me – are you really that sick?
Would you like my hair to fall out in front of you to prove the severity?
No…of course not apologies and apprehension
I don’t care. It’s mine – it’s in me
Can it be cut away
Shrunk away to nothingness…or maybe a .002 percent chance it will come back
Or maybe a .0000002 chance of survival
I don’t want to talk
I don’t want to cry
Just leave me alone
I sit and I think of my youth
Death never crossed my mind
Only fear of monsters or not being able to stay up past my bedtime
Not cancer. CANCER. CANCER. CANCER. CANCER.
So I wait
Still waiting for something to happen
Am I in control?
Is God in control?
Cancer is my enemy
I hate you with everything in me
I wish I could push you into the heat of the sun so you explode and can never come near
I don’t cower to my enemies
I fight them
I will fight you
No more questions
Statements and the boldest come from me
I am not a number on a chart
Or a statistic
I will be a survivor
Always I survive
For my friends
For my family
This is dedicated to everyone who has gone through cancer, lost a loved one to cancer and especially to those like my wonderful Aunt who are fighting through cancer.